This was the picture that first tugged at my heart in November 2011.  Every day, I would visit CCAI's website and look at the pictures of waiting children and every day, I would click on this picture above.  And then I would read her file.  It had scary stuff in it - words that made me close the information each time.  I would remind myself to be reasonable and that there was no way I could handle a child with needs like that.  Then, the next day, I would do it again.  There was just something about her that kept drawing me back.  

This kept on for November, December, and into January 2012.  Each time, the same doubts would surface and each time I felt more and more torn as I watched her picture sitting on the website.  Then, in mid-January, I noticed that her file was under the section "Soon to be Returned".  It was always sad to see pictures there because that meant that they might get assigned to another agency, or they might go on the shared list where some kids languish for years.  I prayed this little girl would find a family soon.

Finally, on January 20th, I asked B.J. to look at CCAI's waiting children.  I wanted to know if she stuck out to him too, but I didn't tell him that.  I wanted to know if he was feeling the same pull.  Sure enough, he took a look and said "Well this girl has been staring me down for months now...".  So I emailed CCAI to ask a few of the questions that had arisen from all of my research on her conditions.  When her picture kept coming up, I had started reading about her conditions to see what we would be accepting.  Of course, by the time we emailed CCAI, it was late on Friday night so we got to sit on things for the weekend.  

On Monday morning, 1/23/12, we were sent her file which I immediately forwarded to B.J. and started reading myself.  I read through developmental checklists, googled terms from a CT scan report and tried to get a sense of this little girl through two emails worth of attachments.  I wanted to know more and fortunately, found a blog entry linked in her file (http://asfeelingsfade.blogspot.com/2011/06/my-precious-lilies-from-marias-big.html).  I cried as I read the entry.  My heart broke for this little girl who had not known the love of a mother or father.  My heart broke that her file was still waiting - that no one had stepped up to love on this little girl and show her the love of God.  B.J. emailed me that he cried when he read that too and that there was nothing in the file that would make him say no.  I felt the same way.  We knew God was leading us to this little girl.  That night, we prayed together for this little girl that had somehow worked her way into our hearts.  Since we only had a day or so to let our agency know whether we wanted to move forward or not, we emailed them on the 24th to let them know we wanted to move forward.  They promised to hold her file for us while we got some information done (submitted a Letter of Intent to China, filled out agency paperwork, etc.)  We spent the next few days reading her file over and over and asking questions to get more information.   Our agency, wisely, wanted us to have her file reviewed by a doctor, which we did the following weekend.  The CHOP doctor told us worst case scenarios and concerns she had about the file which was really helpful.  We knew she was our daughter without a doubt and emailed CCAI with our Letter of Intent to officially ask China to let her be our daughter on January 31st.  Then we started to wait.  We waited until February 6th when we were notified that China had said yes.  Liliana could be our daughter.!!!!!!!  

(Of course we found out on February 3rd that we were pregnant...surprise!).  

Since that day, we have been working hard almost every day with adoption stuff.  There is a lot of 'hurry up and wait' in adoption, but CCAI was wonderful at making sure we always knew what we could be working on next so we wouldn't have any delays. 

God has taught me so much in the past year through this process.  I have gotten to learn to trust Him and His plan in a whole new way - when so much is out of our control.  I have gotten to understand the way He loves us and has adopted us into His family.  I have a new appreciation for the love He shows us and the extent He goes to to pursue us - even before we know or love Him.  The pictures below (except for her referral picture) are ones I found while searching the internet for pictures from her orphanage in hopes of catching a glimpse of her.  Yup, I did that :)  (See what kind of pursuit is caused by the love of a parent?)

                                           One of the rooms in Louyang

                                                         Liliana (Dang, Cai Tong) referral photo

                                               Liliana is on the left - a picture from Louyang

God has also shown Himself faithful financially.  When we started the process, we had just about $1,000 to put towards an adoption that would cost between $25,000-$30,000.  We had no idea where the money was going to come from, but we knew that if God was calling us to adopt then it was His problem to provide.  And provide He did.  We received gifts from family and friends who always seemed to know right when to give the money - when we needed encouragement, when we were doubting whether we had heard correctly, and when money was needed for the next phase.  God was so gracious with us and provided the rest of the necessary funds through our Both Hands project.  I was blown away.  I am continuing to be blown away.  

Now, I can't believe that B.J. and my Mom will be on a plane in less than 48 hours and in less than a week, she will be ours!!!  It is surreal.  I know there is much that I don't know and once she is home the work will really begin, but I can't wait to start.  She is a part of our family and this is where she belongs. 

Baby Girl, only a few more days and you will meet your Daddy and Grammy.  And then, some more days after that, you will meet your mommy, sisters, and brother.  We can't wait for you to come home!  I know that it will be hard and scary and you will have to learn to trust us, but know that we are your forever family and we love you more than words can say.  

I am praying that God will comfort you through this transition and that you will know and understand His love - even if you can't understand what we are saying.  Unfortunately, I know I am going to mess up.  I am far from perfect.  There will be times when I am cranky and frustrated and I will probably say things I don't mean to, but know that no matter what, my love for you will not change.  I pray that one day, you will come to love the God that brought you to us and set you in our family.  He will never leave you nor forsake you.  He loves you and has been watching over you every day of your life.  May He use me to show you His love and you come home and join our family.

This made my day....

This was shared on my friend's Facebook page this morning and I love it.  For all my parent friends out there - enjoy the laugh!

Waiting...

I should be used to this by now - it is a major part of adopting, but it doesn't really get easy.  It has gotten easier, if you can call it that.  God has been teaching me a LOT about patience and waiting on HIS timing throughout this adoption and throughout this past year as well.  Adoption is a growing experience in and of itself but couple it with giving birth to a child who decided to be 13 days late and there is one more element in the mix.

That all being said, God has been helping me to trust Him and His timing.  I have already seen how his timing with Myla coming first has been good for us.  It has allowed me a precious 2.5 months to bond with and love on the easiest baby EVER.  She is so very precious and I have been loving the uninterrupted time with her (if you can call baby of four uninterrupted...)

God knew better than we did what was best and I am trusting that He still knows that now while we are waiting to hear from immigration.  I am not stressing about how long it is taking, but I am excited to have it so close to being done.  I just can't wait to bring Liliana home!  Getting to shop for a few items for her has made it even more 'real' than before and we are all getting really excited.

That being said, I am also sad for Liliana.  This may sound strange, but hear me out.  Liliana will be leaving everything she has ever known - and not just for a new caregiver (she's done that plenty of times) but a completely foreign land, language, food, family, and experience - even the air will be different.  Everything she has ever known will disappear for her and that would be hard at any age but it is especially hard for a toddler/almost-preschooler.  My heart aches for her.  I know that it is for the best - a forever family is way better than an institution - no matter how wonderful that institution may be.  She will be loved and accepted and have opportunities here that she would never have in China.  But none of that softens the blow for her.  Please pray for her in the coming days that she would be ready as she can be for the huge transitions coming up and also that she will bond well.  She has had so many placement changes and is naturally shy and honestly, she is at a huge risk for significant attachment issues.

We will be doing things that we have learned are helpful to attaching (like not passing her around, limiting her world like a newborn for a while, keeping her with us exclusively for a while, purposely working to build attachment, etc.) but it is up to God to help to heal her heart.  Please pray for her and for us in this transition.

And, while you're praying, if you want to pray for speedy news from immigration as well as an opening for the consulate appointment, that would be more than welcomed.....

Thank you for walking through this journey with us and for your prayers and support.  We have been so blessed in this adoption and God has provided over and over for every need we have had with this whole thing.  To God be the glory!

Merry Christmas

I have been working with the kids all month in an effort to learn Luke 2:1-20 this December.  We got pretty close to learning it all.  Simeon has learned it too but wasn't too cooperative with the video.  We decided to give this as a gift for Grammy for Christmas.  She loved it.  Enjoy!

WALKING!!!!!!!!!!!!

No, not me :)  Liliana is walking!  We just got an update from her foster home that says that she is "walking much better".  It also said she has a new caregiver in the afternoons - Anglea is a grandmother who loves on the kids really well.  I am so relieved.  Not that I doubted her care for an instant, but I am so glad to hear that she is being loved on and making such good progress.  Her weight is still holding steady, but her face looks a little more full :)

Also, she loves books.  Is that a Meurer trait or what?  She will fit right in here and I can't wait to get her home.

Serving Daddy

Today, I decided to be ambitious and took the kids outside to help clean up leaves.  I'll admit they had the added motivation of having to have the leaves cleaned up before Daddy could decorate for Christmas, but regardless, they worked really well.  I was surprised at how helpful they actually were.  Myla hung out in the Mei Tai I made and Simeon alternated between helping and kicking through the leaf pile.  Both Elianna and Janaya loaded the 6 total leaf bags pretty much on their own while I did the raking and held the bags for them.  Below are a few pictures.  Ignore my undone hair and 5 year-old-angled shot of me, but I wanted to capture how Myla participated.

Time to update...

I  have been ridiculously quiet around here lately and most of that is because.... well honestly, I don't really know why :)  I can't blame it on a newborn because to be perfectly honest, Myla is a sweetheart and has been such an easy baby so far.  I can't blame it on postpartum recovery because thanks to a hurricane, B.J. got an extra week off that didn't cost him any vacation days and allowed me an extra week to recuperate.  I don't usually get that much time :)

God has been good to us.  Myla's birth, though very intense, was also mercifully quick and recovery hasn't been too bad at all.  The kiddos have adjusted well too and are loving having Myla around.  The biggest problem with Janaya and Elianna is them arguing about who gets to hold her.  It is also cute to see Simeon, every time Myla is nursing, come running over to her pointing saying "Myla, muk!"  It makes me smile every time.  He loves when she hiccups or sneezes and giggles like crazy.  He also likes to poke her foot and make it move :)  There have been some moments of testing with each of them to make sure that the boundaries are still in place but overall, the transition has been really smooth.

My MOPS table members all signed up to bring us a meal and most of them made enough to get us two meals out of each one.  What a blessing it was to have dinner taken care of for that whole time!  It was also nice to try some new recipes too.  We have had several offers from random places to bring by meals and it has meant so much to us.  It is so encouraging to see and feel the support of friends, family, and other believers.

We have started back up with school after about two and a half weeks off (counting before Myla's birth too).  It is nice to get back into a routine, though I am not stressing about getting fully up and running on schoolwork.  We are working our way back slowly and giving grace for the days when we might miss a subject.

As far as the adoption goes, we have ordered all of the 'official' paperwork (child abuse clearances, criminal checks, fingerprints, etc.) and received all of those.  Now we are working on references, health letters, employment letters, and a few other random bits of paperwork.  We'll be scheduling to meet with our social worker hopefully sometime this month.  I am really appreciating God's timing in all of this because it would have been very difficult to transition two kids into our family simultaneously as the original timing was pointing towards.  Once again, I am reminded that He is in control and knows the best time to bring Liliana home to us.  It is nice to be moving forward on her adoption again though!  Below is the most recent picture we have of her.  She is still about 19lbs and a few inches shorter than Simeon.  Her head is only four inches bigger than Myla's (clearly not major hydrocephalus....).

I promise more pictures whenever I get around to uploading the camera.  There are way too many cute ones to miss that opportunity....  right now I have a baby to feed :)